I always seem to be caught between to possibilities, unable to choose. Not wanting to choose. Choosing one means letting go of the other, and I don't like letting go of something, when I don't know where it will take me. A train of thoughts can only take me so far, and still I might miss out on a lot. So I usually just stay at home, not choosing any of the two, or find a way to have both.
This has turned me into a cheater. My poor skills with monogamy has been a joke with some of my oldest friends, and they're completely in the right to joke about it, as do I. I have been hoping it would change as I got older, but I'm still just as easily attracted, and feed on attention. At the same time, I don't expect to have a chance with any of the men, or women, who catch my attention, so I flirt without any thought for consequences. In my mind, there's no way they could ever take it seriously and want me, so I can be as bubbly and flirty as I like, and nothing will happen. I suspect that a big part of my carefree personality is a product of low confidence.
And now I'm in trouble. Again. My current relationship has lasted for more than four years, without many mistakes on my part. He, of course, is a saint, who would never cheat on me, and why would he. The man has absolutely no interest in sex, and the little he needs, he gets from me. I. on the other hand, can't stand not being touched. I need physical contact to feel loved, and words that cannot be misunderstood. He loves me, I guess, but is unable to show it. He doesn't show much at all, really, never talks about himself or us. Right now I'm conducting an experiment; if I don't kiss him first, how many days will it take for him to kiss me? So far: 3 days. And we live together.
Along comes this other man. Someone I've been noticing for years, not thinking he would ever be interested in me. Apparently, I was wrong. These past few weeks he has been treating me like a princess, saying everything I've needed to hear for so long, and always touching me in some way when we're together. I'm aware he might be using me, but right now, I don't care, I just want to enjoy the attention. Not sleeping with him though, but I like him way too much for a fling on the side.
The worst part might just be that my boyfriend hasn't noticed a thing. Nothing at all. Told you he wasn't paying attention, didn't I? The second worst thing would be that I don't trust my own emotions, so I might just be playing both of them without realizing it myself. I think that I might be falling in love with the other guy, though.
I really suck at this adulthood-thing
This has turned me into a cheater. My poor skills with monogamy has been a joke with some of my oldest friends, and they're completely in the right to joke about it, as do I. I have been hoping it would change as I got older, but I'm still just as easily attracted, and feed on attention. At the same time, I don't expect to have a chance with any of the men, or women, who catch my attention, so I flirt without any thought for consequences. In my mind, there's no way they could ever take it seriously and want me, so I can be as bubbly and flirty as I like, and nothing will happen. I suspect that a big part of my carefree personality is a product of low confidence.
And now I'm in trouble. Again. My current relationship has lasted for more than four years, without many mistakes on my part. He, of course, is a saint, who would never cheat on me, and why would he. The man has absolutely no interest in sex, and the little he needs, he gets from me. I. on the other hand, can't stand not being touched. I need physical contact to feel loved, and words that cannot be misunderstood. He loves me, I guess, but is unable to show it. He doesn't show much at all, really, never talks about himself or us. Right now I'm conducting an experiment; if I don't kiss him first, how many days will it take for him to kiss me? So far: 3 days. And we live together.
Along comes this other man. Someone I've been noticing for years, not thinking he would ever be interested in me. Apparently, I was wrong. These past few weeks he has been treating me like a princess, saying everything I've needed to hear for so long, and always touching me in some way when we're together. I'm aware he might be using me, but right now, I don't care, I just want to enjoy the attention. Not sleeping with him though, but I like him way too much for a fling on the side.
The worst part might just be that my boyfriend hasn't noticed a thing. Nothing at all. Told you he wasn't paying attention, didn't I? The second worst thing would be that I don't trust my own emotions, so I might just be playing both of them without realizing it myself. I think that I might be falling in love with the other guy, though.
I really suck at this adulthood-thing
